This might be one of the hardest things for me to write because it was truly one of the most intense but also the most rewarding experience I've ever been through in my life. I'm writing this now, 4 weeks later because it really did take that much time for me to fully comprehend all the emotions and compose it in writing. And fair warning, the pictures and the words might be a little raw, as it is a birth, so look through at your own risk. I also want to caveat that this wasn't the birth I imagined. It didn't adhere to my birth plan and there were a lot of things I thought I would be allowed at the hospital that I wasn't. I spent 90% of the labor on my back, being monitored constantly, which, second to a c-section, was what I dreaded most about giving birth. But in the end, and even throughout the experience it mattered not at all, not one bit, and if I was given a choice, I'd gladly do it all over again. I guess that's the power of the birth experience. Anyways, this is mine.
Wednesday afternoon, August 28th, I was less than 24 hours away from my planned induction. I'd spent my day cleaning, doing laundry, and basically trying to accomplish anything we wouldn't have time to do once the little one got here. In between chores I began to notice a leak of fluid. I put on a pad, text Bill to let him know and carried on. A few hours later, right before he got home from work the fluid had kept up, so I called Bill to tell him we would probably be heading to the hospital that night, then called me doctor who said what I was experiencing was most likely my water breaking and to get to the hospital. I then let my doula know, who agreed to meet us there, then finally called my sister in DC to let her know. My sister and parents already had tickets for an early train the next morning so we discussed them waiting until then to come in, but my parents (Mom) overruled that and they exchanged their tickets for an evening train.
Bill came home and like we were in a weird form of delusion where we weren't about to be on our way to have a baby, we chatted for a while then ate some dinner. Around 7pm we gathered our things, called a car and headed out. Me with my giant belly and overnight bag, Bill holding my birth ball. Both of us fairly nonchalant about what was about to happen.The car failed to show up, but miraculously a taxi came (we live in a taxi dead zone) and we hopped in. Again, no sense of rush or any major annoyance there. I did begin to get a little anxious at that point, but our cab driver didn't know how to get to the hospital so I focused on directing him instead. Once at the hospital it was again pretty surreal as we were directed to the emergency room, I was given a wheel chair as part of protocol and wheeled up to the 6th floor and into the maternity ward.
Once there, I handed over the paperwork my doctor's had prepared for me weeks before and I was handed over to a bossy nurse and directed to the triage area, while Bill was directed back to the waiting area. I was given hospital wear, directed to my labor room and then grilled for an hour about my medical history, my blood type, if Bill was abusive, the exact time my water broke (and I mean exact), why we then waited 4 hours before coming to the hospital, why I wanted a heplock IV, and of course, when I wanted the epidural administered (or, what I planned to do about pain management as they put it). Then I was checked for dilation and to see if my water had in fact broken. 1 cm and the test was inconclusive. But I was there for good at that point. And it did cross my mind briefly to just get up and walk out. No baby for us today. I wasn't scared, but I was terribly nervous of the ordeal I was about to go through. If I waited for the morning I'd get a good nights sleep, my family would be there, my Dr. would be by to see me. It was minor panic brought on by being completely alone in a strange room, the vast dark of night yawning out before me, the imminent pain the nurses kept assuring me I wouldn't want to handle, the nonstop deluge of questions and Bill not being there. That was probably the worst part of the whole experience. And finally Bill and Lori, my doula who had in the meantime joined Bill in the waiting room, were given the ok to come in.
Around 11pm I was given my dose of Cervidil to help dilate my cervix and went through what was the most painful obstetric procedure up to that moment. It really wasn't pleasant and after making it halfway through and the Doctor snapping that I wasn't relaxed enough, Bill came to my rescue by letting me squeeze his hand and we made it the rest of the way. Again, I was asked about pain management, and my birth plan, when handed over, was met with some slight derision by the nurse. I was asked, against my wishes, about my pain scale. I rolled my eyes at Lori and she jumped in to my rescue. My baby and contraction monitors, two seat belt type contraptions, were placed over me and we all settled in for a long night.
Around 2am I still couldn't sleep. The contractions, while not terrible, certainly didn't make sleep come easily and the monitors prevented me from moving to either of my sides without a mad rush of nurses coming into to see why they weren't picking up a heartbeat anymore from their monitors at the nurses station. With approval I moved to my left side and Lori gave me what will probably be forever remembered as the most amazing back rub. I slept afterwards for approximately 2 hours. My parents and sister, after a train mishap, made it in around 2 and at my earlier insistence, went straight to our apartment to sleep then join us in the a.m.
That morning I was in better spirits once the daylight hit. My family arrived bright and early and Dr. Kecia came in to check on me before heading to the office. The Cervidil wore off around 11am and I was checked again. 4 cm. And asked again about what I wanted to do about pain management, which my doula took over answering for me. As the night wore on the contractions had grown more intense but still nothing I couldn't handle and something we could see coming with the monitor and prepare for. Dr. Kecia was notified of my status and directed the staff to hold off administering anything for 2 hours to see how I could progress on my own. Around 12pm I ate a liquid lunch (never knew jello could taste so good) and everyone except Lori went out to grab lunch. Together the two of us tackled the tough contractions and chatted in between.
When I was allowed the few and far between opportunities to get off the monitors we tried to take advantage of the time by utilizing the birth ball, which really helped (and was a major reason why I wanted to move freely while in labor). Lori also showed me some ways to breathe through the contractions and some helpful sounds to make (vowel sounds: "ohhh", "uuhh") and I also used the snake "ssss" sound I was taught in my prenatal yoga class. Those all helped to manage the pain. During contractions Lori would also pull on my feet while I braced myself on the bed... very helpful as well when being stuck to the bed. My sister got into it and helped, Bill was used in one of the positions, my parents offered tons of moral support. But the best was in between, when we'd all just chat and joke around. That was the best for keeping my spirits up. As far as music went, we listened to a little Tom Petty, Lori put on another light mix afterwards but I had no interest in putting anymore thought into what we listened to.
And at the end of the 2 hours, and only at 5 cm, we were given the news that Dr. Kecia wanted me to get on Pitocin to help speed up the process. This was also another major intervention I had really wanted to avoid but knew once my water broke that it was an almost certain eventuality. When the waters been broken nearly all doctors give patients approximately 24 hours to get the baby out (which is why the original nurse was so adamant about knowing exactly when my water broke), after that the baby runs the risk of infection and can be kept for monitoring (i.e. away from me) after the birth. Not that I was given an option but between Pitocen and having my baby whisked away... or the dreaded c word, I'd choose Pitocen any day. But man, that drug is a bitch.
By then the nursing shift had changed and I now had a nurse who didn't seem to care one bit about my birth plan. Every time she entered the room she upped the Pitocen dosage, then asked if I needed anything to help manage the pain. By then I was feeling it... the same intensity as before, maybe a little more, but I wasn't given the time in between to rest. We made it about 3 hours with the intensity building into pain until finally it was like I was having one long, nonstop contraction. No rest, no opportunity to catch my breath. I don't think I was crying, but I was definitely losing my cool. The vowel sounds started becoming guttural screams as a contraction would build and then never end. After 3 hours I gave the ok for the epidural but the anesthesiologist was in surgery so it ended up being another hour before she came by, but she worked fast and shortly afterwards the pain diminished and then finally I just felt a little pressure, but not much else. And that's when the sleeplessness and intensity of the past day caught up with me and I asked to sleep. And it was an amazing painless, dreamless sleep. When I woke up to be checked a few hours later I was 10 cm.
Since Mango hadn't completely descended Dr. Kecia gave the ok for us to hold off on the pushing and just see if baby wanted to descend any more on his/her own. We hung out for about an hour, then Dr. Kecia's partner, Dr. Nyein, came in and said I could start pushing now, but Dr. Kecia wanted to be present at my birth if I wanted to wait. I chose to wait. She came in just a little while later and asked if we wanted to do some practice pushing. My Dad and sister exited the room, we threw on some Tom Petty and everyone else got into directed positions. Pushing involved taking a breath, bearing down as hard as possible at the rise of a contraction (basically like I was taking a poo), continuing that for 10 seconds, 3 reps of that and then a break until the next contraction. The problem I noticed right away was that when I bore down it put pressure on my diaphragm, which then aggravated my heartburn and created reflux. But I wanted the baby out, so I endured for an hour. There were certain songs that came on that I really wanted the baby to be born to, "House in the Woods", anything from Full Moon Fever... but it wasn't meant to be and finally the playlist ended and it was just the baby's heartbeat we heard from the monitor between contractions.
Around 9:30 there started to be some concern on Dr. Kecia's face between contractions. I was told that the baby was close, that they could start to see the head, but in between I saw worry. Earlier Lori had asked if I wanted a mirror to view the birth and I had adamantly declined, but now I found myself searching in the reflection of Dr. Kecia's glasses for any sign of a baby. At about 9:40 in walked Nurse Jackie. Earlier she had come in and introduced herself, much to Lori's excitement as she had apparently heard some other doula stories about the infamous Nurse Jackie. She was a seasoned nurse who knew her stuff, was no nonsense and was there to get a healthy baby out as fast as possible. We learned later that Moira's heart rate was dropping between pushing, leading Dr. Kecia to think that the cord may have been wrapped around her neck and at that hospital Nurse Jackie was a final resort before the operating room.
She took over the show, directing Lori to grab one of my legs, the other nurse to grab the other, Bill and my Mom holding my hands and everyone counting and providing words of encouragement. I was directed to grab my thighs as I pushed, to push harder, that the baby was almost there, just another few pushes. In between, they still watched the monitor but she also lightened the mood by chatting with Dr. Kecia about Dr. Kecia's son, telling my Mom to be ready with her cameras and getting Bill ready to cut the cord, something he had been adamant about not doing himself, but there was no arguing with Nurse Jackie. Finally there was a head and I asked my Mom if she could see any hair. Then it was just another push, and even my dad was screaming out encouragement from the hallway. Then another and all of a sudden there was a baby in my arms.
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| Bill with Nurse Jackie |
I also want to say that because my water had broken and I was being induced starting at 1 cm when I walked in, much of my birth plan was already out the window by default at that point. The nurses were also just doing their jobs, and being good at it. They weren't there to placate the whims of an inexperienced mother, they were there to make sure a baby was kept healthy until delivery... which was always the end result. All the monitors, the interventions, the iv's and other contraptions were there for a reason, a good one. While some nurses had a better bedside manner than others, none were outright mean for no reason and in the end I know I had the natural birth I wanted thanks 100% to a nurse.
I'm also so grateful to my doctor, and again so glad I switched early on. While not physically with me the whole time, she kept up constant communication with the hospital staff and as much as possible helped me adhere to my initial goals. She let me wait to see if I would naturally progress before starting the Pitocen, let us allow the baby to descend more once I was fully dilated, genuinely congratulated me for holding out 4 hours on Pitocen before getting the epidural and finally, wanted to be the doctor present to help me deliver my baby. Having a great doctor really did make all the difference for that situation and I am so glad that I trusted my instincts on that decision.
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| With Lori, our awesome doula |
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| The Weaver Grandparents and Aunt Teresa |
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